Having a person in your life with mental illness and not thinking that they are less- than.

I feel like an idiot saying this, but here it goes.

I freaking hate seeing the cutesy posts about how "having a person in your life with mental illness means being ready to hold them tight and cuddle them whenever they have an episode. Cater to their need of being alone by knowing exactly what it looks like when they need space..."

That is shit.

First of all, EVERYONE WANTS TO BE UNDERSTOOD, and every human being needs comfort sometimes. These are not exclusive to those with mental illness.

Second, those with mental illness do not need to be coddled. There isn't an exclusive list of things to do when your friend isn't doing so hot. Absolutely do what you can and ask them what they need, but not everything is cured with a hug and a motivational speech.

Listen, I'm not shitting on anyone's coping mechanisms or saying that people who have slagathor as a constant houseguest are invincible and don't need you, because we do.

But in the way that people with allergies need you to know where their epipen is. And the way that people with bad eyes need glasses.

We need normalcy.

Which is sometimes hard to give when you're trying to feed someone something they'll die from. We get it, no one can know everything that causes another person pain.

Personally, I hate being tiptoed around. My anxiety and depression doesn't mean that I'm fragile.

The bottom line is that every single person wants to be understood. No one wants to get hurt. No one wants to do anything wrong.
But that's not how the world works. People go into anaphylactic shock. People lose their glasses. These things don't make them less of a person, sure you try to help them and love them, but you don't treat them like less of a human.

People have bad slagathor-ruled days. It does not make them less of a human.

So the next time you exclude your anxious friend from that party invite, or don't stop yourself from suggesting that your bud with depression stay home from that sad movie, or think for even a second that your friend with mental illness is fragile and less than, slap yourself, and ask if that pain makes you less than human.

Love, do not coddle. Understand, do not overprotect. Be considerate, without jumping to conclusions. We are all human, with our own types of slagathors.

Slagathor

I have to apologize.

I waited for inspiration.
I sugarcoated reality and edited out the burnt batches.

I have to apologize because I forgot what I wrote for. I forgot why writing mattered to me, especially here.

Life is incredibly hard sometimes. A lot more often than we admit. We forget that being upset isn't a bad thing. It's necessary to acknowledge the shitty times, that way we also acknowledge the great times.
Not acknowledging the dog shit in the yard does not make stepping in it any easier.
Acknowledge, get over it, and get on with your life.

And life can seem especially shitty when you have to deal with mental illness on top of everything.

I don't like that term, though. It's so medical. Let's call it slagathor. (scrubs reference ftw). Back to the point, dealing with slagathor on top of life can be very hard.

Example:
I had a day recently that started out horribly. You know when they say "(someone) woke up on the wrong side of the bed?" Well, I woke up in the wrong freaking room, hell, in the wrong house. I woke up and felt like I was glued to my bed. My mind told me it would physically hurt to get up. Oh and that everyone would die if I did; or I'd get into a car crash, or say the wrong thing, or just plain screw up.
I went to nanny for 6 hours at a home that housed over 4 living things that I am severely allergic to. So I wheezed my way through that thinking I could go to my favorite coffee shop to make up for it. I sniffled my way over there, laughed with some lovely humans, got my all time favorite coffee drink, and headed home for a shower and a quiet dinner date with Netflix.
I got of the car and I shit you not (no pun intended), a bird flew over me and crapped into my coffee. At the time I couldn't really appreciate the amazing aviary aim because I was too busy bawling. Trying to make a dignified entrance into my house also failed and I walked right into the dinner from hell, for me, at least. I made some dumb excuse and sprinted so fast up the stairs I could've left my legs and it wouldn't have made a difference.
My shower has seen more breakdowns than a dance club.

Nothing mattered.

Life won. Slagathor won and everything that I accomplished that day, taking care of the kids, getting out of bed, eating, everything was tainted.
Because, in my mind, the losses had outweighed the gains. I have those days often.

It's my glitch, but it's also my jewel. It sucks, and I can never understand it and it makes me feel vulnerable, broken, and alone.
That's the main thing I want to hit on. That feeling of being alone.
Slagathor really knows how to emphasize that. To a certain extent, your situation is always going to be different than someone elses, but the jewel is that other people get that, and that you can be a person that shows others that they aren't alone.

That is what this is for, that is what we revel in. The fact that someone gets it. Someone out there makes you not alone. If only for a second, but that second of being free from your loneliness stretches into your vulnerability, and you start to open up, and you feel the brokenness scar over. It's all still there, but in some moments you can overcome them, and that makes the good outweigh the bad.
And you win. 




 

Therapy

This is me waiting for therapy.

This is the 8th week I've come here. 

It feels like the third. And it feels just as hard.

I think as humans we crave understanding and attentive listening and for others to care, and to me, therapy fills that craving in an educated way that other humans can't. 

To me, it's also kinda dramatic and odd.

You're essentially paying someone to listen to you... 

I try to get over those parts of it though, because these people can help. They can help me figure out my triggers or ways to calm down or even help me understand what's going on in my body when anxiety or depression rears their ugly heads.

So I guess it's helpful. 

I know i'm supposed to agree with all the other articles dedicated to mental illness and say that therapy is the best thing to ever happen to me, and before I say my actual thoughts, I will partially agree with that. It's good. It's really good. And healthy. And helpful. And I would recommend it to anyone. These are professionals, after all. They know what they're doing and they know how to help.

But here's the thing for me. 

I don't like opening up to people. And I know that no matter how many weeks I do this, it will always be a struggle to walk into that office, sit down, and just talk about my struggles that week. I go back and forth because what if they knew everything? Every thought and action, and they thought you were as crazy as you think. It's also tough for me to think that they could care just because they're also being paid.

These things are hard for me to overcome, but i'm trying, and that's what matters.

Here are some things I do that help me get the most out of therapy.

1. I understand that my therapist wants to listen to me and wants to help
2. Just because they get paid to do so, doesn't mean they don't care and try to help, like when I worked at a summer camp for kids, just because i was being paid didn't mean that I cared about those children any less.
3. They get it, theyve studied these things and they want to help, but for them to do so, you have to be open. They aren't going to jump to conclusions, or judge you for something you say. So say it and get everything of your chest and then they can help you fully.

I guess all of this is to say, therapy sucks. Thinking you have to do it sucks. But when you start, it starts to suck less, and eventually you see it helping and maybe even you look forward to it. Just remember that you can only get out of it what you put in. And remember that it's ok to not like something but do it anyway. We all have to make ourselves do things we don't want. That's life, but this is worth it. By far not the best things that could ever happen to you, but one of the best things you can choose to do for yourself.

woman

i'm still trying to figure out what it means to be a woman

You see i was born a human

And raised as a girl

And became a woman

And inherited fear

Bought into beauty

Dug around in my heart for that smile i was begged for

But how do i be a woman

How do i live every second with a song in my lungs that men grab

A song they fight for yet never listen to

How do i fight for something i don't know exists

A justice i've never seen

For a group of people that i had to learn how to become

Never once fighting for the individual

How do i sit next to people who make me feel like an object

But walk into an office for a company that i founded to help make objects into women

Yet what kind of magic do i have to have to turn their silence into sound

When you say you crave their voices but hear words that you do not accept

i wonder every morning when i wake up how do i live up to the word woman

How do i become the stereotype

How do i raise a daughter with the values of a strong woman

When i cannot even figure out what a woman is

Does it mean strong

Does it mean speechless

Does it mean fearless

Does it mean above it all

Does it mean safety

Does it mean insurance

Will it explain every moment I was wronged

Oh shes just a woman

Will it strike fear into the hearts of those who say that

Will it stand up for the human its defining

Will it be more than just a word

Will i ever realize that i define it

Will it ever mean me

Bunched together in a group that it need not be

An individual

A woman

me 

Recognition

I hate to say it, but sometimes I struggle with feeling unrecognized.

Yeah, that can be me sometimes... Guilty.

I feel like I do so much to please others, and so much that I feel will help others, and yet I get steamrolled over.

I hate to say it because I hate to feel it.

And I hate to feel it because deep down, I don't care about recognition.

I get so caught up in what I think I'm supposed to feel, that I forget what I actually feel.
Society says when you are not recognized for every little thing you do, it means you don't matter. That is complete and utter bull sh*t.
When I'm being honest with myself, even if every little thing I do doesn't get recognized, it doesn't take away the feeling I get while doing good things.
That is why I do them.
Not for the recognition, but for the feeling I get when I know that I've helped someone, or have done something worthwhile, and not worthwhile because someone else says it's worthwhile, but because I know it is.

Recognition does not make or break something you do, YOU make or break something you do, depending on whether you do it for recognition, or for that feeling.

Eternal Bliss

I have a confession.

...

I very much dislike weddings.

Of course, since i grew up with sisters, i went through the motions of planning weddings, and looking at dresses, and getting caught up in the fantasy and the fairytale aspect of it all.

Lets just be honest, 
The idea of a wedding is much more appealing than the actual thing. 

Don't get me wrong, i love what it represents, the union of two people who want to only be with one another for the rest of their lives. i love that.
i love seeing my people i care about take the beautiful step into a new chapter of their life.
i love the beauty.
i love the anticipation.
i love the detail.

The thing i don't like about weddings is the pressure of perfection.
Guests have to behave perfectly.
The wedding has to look perfect.
The reception has to be perfect, you have to see everyone.
The food has to be perfect.
The dress
The hair.
The wedding party.
And if everything isn't perfect then your marriage won't last.

There are legitimately television shows in which strangers go to your wedding, rate aspects of it, and whoever wins gets an all-expense paid honeymoon.

Where has the love gone in weddings?

Now, sometimes this isn't the case; sometimes, weddings are intimate and simple and so focused on the love of two amazing humans that anything that goes wrong is quickly forgotten.

i just so often go to weddings where i dearly love the humans getting married, and they dearly love each other, and yet the stress of the wedding glints in their eyes and they just want to fade away.

i hope that if this post shows anyone anything, it is that, as a veteran to the wedding guest scene, no one is expecting more from your wedding than to see two people so in love that nothing else matters; and if there is someone who expects more than that, they should not be allowed to be there.

Bottom line:
Enjoy it. Everything about it. And desire a perfect marriage over a perfect wedding. 

Otherness

There are many times 

I feel I am overcome

By a sense of otherness

I am fully me

Yet am not believed to be

No thought by others can express

My incomparable sense of lostness 

There is not a sentence uttered

In which I am told I am not 

There is no glance full of question 

In which my full self seems forgot

Yet in a moment 

My mouth upturns itself

And my mind is alone 

In this world full of bitterness

Sitting on an ugly throne 

I rule my mind through that world

While my face plays a game 

"Who can guess what I am"

The answer will be not the same

My brain wracks it's senses 

Why am I different from my name

My face casts glances

That will always look the same

And as I start out feeling hatred

For the conflict that I am 

Yet I must press on 

For the eventual breaking of my dam

And the hope that someone will see me

For all of ness that I am

courage

Joshua 1:5-6

"No one will be able to stand against you all the days of your life. As I was with Moses, so I will be with you; I will never leave you nor forsake you. Be strong and courageous, because you will lead these people to inherit the land I swore to their ancestors to give them.”

So recently I've been courageous. I've done things that I never saw myself doing. I've gone on dates and went to public events. Those things seem trivial, but to me, I need an army to overpower my fear to do them.

In these verses, God is promising these things. He promised them to Joshua so that he can overcome his fear. God's promises are the army of love that overpowered Joshua's fear. It shows Joshua that God's power is bigger than circumstances. Geez, He fricking makes the circumstances.

But the thing is that God gives us these promises, too.

He promises us in Romans 8:28 that "in all things God works for the good of those who love Him."

God overcomes our fear with promises, promises that we never leave His hand, that we are constantly protected by His love, that every circumstance we are in, we are in because God knows we can handle it, but only when we trust him.

God gives us hardships we can get through, but only through him, and only when we see that his promise of constant love overcomes our fear. 

No matter the small situation you fear, God has you, He goes before you and protects you through it, and we come out stronger. Stronger in faith, and stronger in mind. 

limits into a line

i suppose i'm always looking for people who's lives are worse than mine.
so i can justify the fact that i don't take care of myself?
so that i can excuse myself from feeling?
so that i can wake up every day and say
"i could have it worse, don't have anything to complain about"

but there isn't one person
they have found
one person who has it worse
one person who has it the worst
one person who is allowed to be sad


one person is impossible
what you have doesn't compare
what they have is never the same
our individual statutes of limitations
is not a line

despite all that
i cannot be happy
someone has it better
and thus the ridiculousness continues

i cannot be
but i can't not be
and yet
i am

i can be sad.

our limits are not a line

i can be happy.

our limits are not a line

Sensory Overload

i can hear every breath

every movement

every sound

i hear myself listen

i feel every muscle

i sense every tensing

i fear every breath 

for the rising of my chest

i internalize every emotion

as if the world is not only on my shoulders

crushing my head

collapsing my legs

bringing a blanket of black to my eyes

i calm

i sit

i wait 

i ponder

i take my mind off all the noise

just to be disappointed

staring at an empty room

"how to say that you can't be there right then for your person with anxiety"

I see many of these "how to be there for your person with anxiety" posts, and they're important and helpful and I may post one tomorrow.
But what I never see is a "how to say that you can't be there right then for your person with anxiety." And that seems silly, but its frightening.

I know its scary for my people to think about leaving me in a weak moment, and I know for a while I wouldn't have handled it well.

But this is important:

People are people. They can't/won't always be there. BUT it ABSOLUTELY DOES NOT mean they love you less.

So I'm going to write that list. So when you or someone can't be there, they know how to say it to us sensitive/ anxiety prone folks ;)

PSA. Only say things that you mean. Period.

1. Be bossy. Often times, when I'm panicking, I cannot make logical and productive decisions on how to help myself, thus, telling your person that you'll be back, BUT in the mean time they should... (read a specific book, listen to a specific album, write a story for you to read, write a letter to themselves or someone else, watch a specific movie or tv show...etc) Be specific, be bossy, check back at some point when you can.

2. Tell them what you're up to. Personally, I love feeling like I'm a part of my people's lives, and even if I'm not doing so hot and they can't be there, them wanting to tell me why not makes me feel like it isn't my fault, a thought that most likely would not have ever popped into my head otherwise.

3. Tell them how much you care about them. They know you have a life, and they don't want to get in the way of that, and even if you can't talk or help them through something, an affectionate word portrays the fact that you do care, even when you cant take the time to actively show that.

4. Ask them to do something for you. Don't forget that they can be caring people as well, and that might even snap them out of their funk.

5. Send them a funny picture/video. If you can't take the time to be there for them physically, a funny video/picture can show them that you want them to be happy and that you do care, and that you thought of them.


Honestly, there are many simple ways to show someone that you care about them even if you don't have to the time to be there for them at the moment.

The bottom line is that we all have needs and sometimes our people's needs will clash with ours, and that's ok. We all just need to remember to be caring and compassionate and there when we can be, because we all have needs, and we all have struggles. 

receive.

a gift of reception
a gift of love

no gift too small
that takes up space in your heart

the reckless anxiety
the wild thoughts of doubt

when tiny whispers preach
your debilitating inability

to receive
that gift

so small for those to give
so minuscule to think in time
so much of a pleasure for them

so much of a torment for you
the unworthy
the fearful
the tired

yet the needy
the loved by unworthy
the receivers of gifts
from a heart as clouded

the joyful
the not-so-fixed
yet the trying
because the equal

the trying
on the love
the road to trying
paved with gifts

Unfair

I struggle daily with the fact that it isn't fair.

Yes, I said fact.

It isn't fair that I get panic attacks, and it isn't fair that I have depression, and it isn't fair that sometimes these things keep me from living. It isn't fair that sometimes these things keep me from wanting to live.

None of that is fair.

It isn't fair for me, and it isn't fair for you.

But, and now I'm going to say something that is going to make you hate me a tad,

LIFE IS NOT FAIR.

And now for the kicker,

Yet, even when it doesn't seem fair, it can seem worth it. 

I know that sounds crazy, but bear with me.

Obviously these things we have to deal with aren't fair. No matter if it's anxiety, depression, or something completely different.
And all of that stinks.

But one moment will come along and you'll see that you have these unfair life afflictions for a reason.

I think even one of my reasons is to write this blog, because even if I don't write one helpful coping word but I show one person that they aren't alone, it is worth it.

The 'worth it' moments don't make it fair, or make it even seem fair, but sometimes they go around all of those feeling and hit straight to your core and make you say, "ah, this is why I have this specific piece of unfair."

Why (not)?

Why me?

Why, after being in theater my whole life; after being the most outgoing social butterfly -kid; after insisting that silver platform halloween heels were acceptable to wear to kindergarten; after loving life for all that it was; why, after all of that and more, do I now have trouble speaking. 

Why do I sometimes not want to leave my room for a whole day.

Why do I hate standing out in front of people.

Why do I dread life, for all that it is.

Why now?

Why, after just beginning to live; after starting to see relationships and people for what they truly are; after finding freedom; after just seeing who I want to be, do I fear all of that.

Why now, do I dread relationships.

Why do I crawl away from my freedom.

Why do I tremble at the knowledge of getting to be who I want to be.

Why this?

Why does the girl who was never afraid of anything suddenly fear everything.

Maybe you're reading through this and starting to feel a flame rise up in your gut. A bit of anger towards these words because you relate so much to all of this, and you hate these questions. 

Because you cant answer any of the why's.

But I can. 

Because of why the hell not. 

Lets see if I can expound upon that. I may be wrong for someone, and I won't ever claim to be right for everyone.

So, MAYBE...

Because of why you thought it wasn't ever going to be you, it now is. 

Because of why you would've hated for it to be now, here it is.

Because of why you never would have expected it to be fear, it is. 

It is me because I never thought it would be. It is now because I cannot do anything on my own, and I shouldn't do everything on my own. It is anxiety because I lived my life believing nothing could hurt me if I didn't let it, especially not my own self. 

Now, I don't know what kind of God or karma or whatever you believe in, but I believe in Jesus, and my whys all come from Him. 

Meaning; It is me because was acting as God. 

It is now because I was taking on life being too independent.

It is anxiety because I thought I could rationalize any thought and control what got to me.

For me, I believe that all of my anxiety, plus my depression came about because I was too comfortable believing I was in control of things that were never in my control. 

I was too comfortable believing I could handle anything life threw at me all by myself. 

My mental illness's show me that I can't.

My life is filled with hardships. None that I can handle alone, and none that I should have to. Unfortunately, it took crippling anxiety and depression to show me that. 

But fortunately, I was shown.

 

Intro

I am Grace.
I am clumsy.
I am artsy.
I am anxiety.
I am introverted.
I am Jesus-lover.
I am stubborn.
I am depression.
I am thoughtful.
I am apologetic.
I am weird.
I am passionate.
I am caring.
I am sensitive.
I am trying.

All of these things and more are words used to describe me, but two of them shouldn't be.
I am Grace.
I HAVE anxiety.
I HAVE depression.
It's so easy to pause when you see those words. To say that they are all you are, or all someone else is, because it changes how you treat them. Because it makes you see them differently.
But in all honesty, don't all descriptive words change the picture in your head?
I could tell you I often wear fedoras and your picture of me would most likely now include a fabulous fedora.

But then again, those two words mean a tad more than a fashion item.

There is a lot weight carried in those words, a lot of subtext, stress, and meaning. 

The problem is, many people just think of the words, and not the human.

I have severe anxiety and severe depression. Those words don't carry the weight.
I do. 

I carry the sadness, the exhaustion, the pain of constant conflict between worrying about everything and not caring about anything. 

The words that mean so much to others and what they think about the people they describe, mean only a diagnosis.

The words mean different things for ever person they affect. 

For me, the actuality of their impact on my life cannot fit in those words.
They pale in comparison to the excruciatingly confusing and fearful fog covering my brain when I have a panic attack. Or the weight of a day before me when I wake up and have no ambition. 

Those words can be used to define me, sure. 

But even more so, I describe them. As is every person separate to how the words change their life.

Define yourself. Define each word that is used to say "you."

And never let the words define you.