I waited for inspiration.
I sugarcoated reality and edited out the burnt batches.
I have to apologize because I forgot what I wrote for. I forgot why writing mattered to me, especially here.
Life is incredibly hard sometimes. A lot more often than we admit. We forget that being upset isn't a bad thing. It's necessary to acknowledge the shitty times, that way we also acknowledge the great times.
Not acknowledging the dog shit in the yard does not make stepping in it any easier.
Acknowledge, get over it, and get on with your life.
And life can seem especially shitty when you have to deal with mental illness on top of everything.
I don't like that term, though. It's so medical. Let's call it slagathor. (scrubs reference ftw). Back to the point, dealing with slagathor on top of life can be very hard.
Example:
I had a day recently that started out horribly. You know when they say "(someone) woke up on the wrong side of the bed?" Well, I woke up in the wrong freaking room, hell, in the wrong house. I woke up and felt like I was glued to my bed. My mind told me it would physically hurt to get up. Oh and that everyone would die if I did; or I'd get into a car crash, or say the wrong thing, or just plain screw up.
I went to nanny for 6 hours at a home that housed over 4 living things that I am severely allergic to. So I wheezed my way through that thinking I could go to my favorite coffee shop to make up for it. I sniffled my way over there, laughed with some lovely humans, got my all time favorite coffee drink, and headed home for a shower and a quiet dinner date with Netflix.
I got of the car and I shit you not (no pun intended), a bird flew over me and crapped into my coffee. At the time I couldn't really appreciate the amazing aviary aim because I was too busy bawling. Trying to make a dignified entrance into my house also failed and I walked right into the dinner from hell, for me, at least. I made some dumb excuse and sprinted so fast up the stairs I could've left my legs and it wouldn't have made a difference.
My shower has seen more breakdowns than a dance club.
Nothing mattered.
Life won. Slagathor won and everything that I accomplished that day, taking care of the kids, getting out of bed, eating, everything was tainted.
Because, in my mind, the losses had outweighed the gains. I have those days often.
It's my glitch, but it's also my jewel. It sucks, and I can never understand it and it makes me feel vulnerable, broken, and alone.
That's the main thing I want to hit on. That feeling of being alone.
Slagathor really knows how to emphasize that. To a certain extent, your situation is always going to be different than someone elses, but the jewel is that other people get that, and that you can be a person that shows others that they aren't alone.
That is what this is for, that is what we revel in. The fact that someone gets it. Someone out there makes you not alone. If only for a second, but that second of being free from your loneliness stretches into your vulnerability, and you start to open up, and you feel the brokenness scar over. It's all still there, but in some moments you can overcome them, and that makes the good outweigh the bad.
And you win.
