Why, after being in theater my whole life; after being the most outgoing social butterfly -kid; after insisting that silver platform halloween heels were acceptable to wear to kindergarten; after loving life for all that it was; why, after all of that and more, do I now have trouble speaking.
Why do I sometimes not want to leave my room for a whole day.
Why do I hate standing out in front of people.
Why do I dread life, for all that it is.
Why now?
Why, after just beginning to live; after starting to see relationships and people for what they truly are; after finding freedom; after just seeing who I want to be, do I fear all of that.
Why now, do I dread relationships.
Why do I crawl away from my freedom.
Why do I tremble at the knowledge of getting to be who I want to be.
Why this?
Why does the girl who was never afraid of anything suddenly fear everything.
Maybe you're reading through this and starting to feel a flame rise up in your gut. A bit of anger towards these words because you relate so much to all of this, and you hate these questions.
Because you cant answer any of the why's.
But I can.
Because of why the hell not.
Lets see if I can expound upon that. I may be wrong for someone, and I won't ever claim to be right for everyone.
So, MAYBE...
Because of why you thought it wasn't ever going to be you, it now is.
Because of why you would've hated for it to be now, here it is.
Because of why you never would have expected it to be fear, it is.
It is me because I never thought it would be. It is now because I cannot do anything on my own, and I shouldn't do everything on my own. It is anxiety because I lived my life believing nothing could hurt me if I didn't let it, especially not my own self.
Now, I don't know what kind of God or karma or whatever you believe in, but I believe in Jesus, and my whys all come from Him.
Meaning; It is me because was acting as God.
It is now because I was taking on life being too independent.
It is anxiety because I thought I could rationalize any thought and control what got to me.
For me, I believe that all of my anxiety, plus my depression came about because I was too comfortable believing I was in control of things that were never in my control.
I was too comfortable believing I could handle anything life threw at me all by myself.
My mental illness's show me that I can't.
My life is filled with hardships. None that I can handle alone, and none that I should have to. Unfortunately, it took crippling anxiety and depression to show me that.
But fortunately, I was shown.
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