Otherness

There are many times 

I feel I am overcome

By a sense of otherness

I am fully me

Yet am not believed to be

No thought by others can express

My incomparable sense of lostness 

There is not a sentence uttered

In which I am told I am not 

There is no glance full of question 

In which my full self seems forgot

Yet in a moment 

My mouth upturns itself

And my mind is alone 

In this world full of bitterness

Sitting on an ugly throne 

I rule my mind through that world

While my face plays a game 

"Who can guess what I am"

The answer will be not the same

My brain wracks it's senses 

Why am I different from my name

My face casts glances

That will always look the same

And as I start out feeling hatred

For the conflict that I am 

Yet I must press on 

For the eventual breaking of my dam

And the hope that someone will see me

For all of ness that I am

courage

Joshua 1:5-6

"No one will be able to stand against you all the days of your life. As I was with Moses, so I will be with you; I will never leave you nor forsake you. Be strong and courageous, because you will lead these people to inherit the land I swore to their ancestors to give them.”

So recently I've been courageous. I've done things that I never saw myself doing. I've gone on dates and went to public events. Those things seem trivial, but to me, I need an army to overpower my fear to do them.

In these verses, God is promising these things. He promised them to Joshua so that he can overcome his fear. God's promises are the army of love that overpowered Joshua's fear. It shows Joshua that God's power is bigger than circumstances. Geez, He fricking makes the circumstances.

But the thing is that God gives us these promises, too.

He promises us in Romans 8:28 that "in all things God works for the good of those who love Him."

God overcomes our fear with promises, promises that we never leave His hand, that we are constantly protected by His love, that every circumstance we are in, we are in because God knows we can handle it, but only when we trust him.

God gives us hardships we can get through, but only through him, and only when we see that his promise of constant love overcomes our fear. 

No matter the small situation you fear, God has you, He goes before you and protects you through it, and we come out stronger. Stronger in faith, and stronger in mind. 

limits into a line

i suppose i'm always looking for people who's lives are worse than mine.
so i can justify the fact that i don't take care of myself?
so that i can excuse myself from feeling?
so that i can wake up every day and say
"i could have it worse, don't have anything to complain about"

but there isn't one person
they have found
one person who has it worse
one person who has it the worst
one person who is allowed to be sad


one person is impossible
what you have doesn't compare
what they have is never the same
our individual statutes of limitations
is not a line

despite all that
i cannot be happy
someone has it better
and thus the ridiculousness continues

i cannot be
but i can't not be
and yet
i am

i can be sad.

our limits are not a line

i can be happy.

our limits are not a line

Sensory Overload

i can hear every breath

every movement

every sound

i hear myself listen

i feel every muscle

i sense every tensing

i fear every breath 

for the rising of my chest

i internalize every emotion

as if the world is not only on my shoulders

crushing my head

collapsing my legs

bringing a blanket of black to my eyes

i calm

i sit

i wait 

i ponder

i take my mind off all the noise

just to be disappointed

staring at an empty room

"how to say that you can't be there right then for your person with anxiety"

I see many of these "how to be there for your person with anxiety" posts, and they're important and helpful and I may post one tomorrow.
But what I never see is a "how to say that you can't be there right then for your person with anxiety." And that seems silly, but its frightening.

I know its scary for my people to think about leaving me in a weak moment, and I know for a while I wouldn't have handled it well.

But this is important:

People are people. They can't/won't always be there. BUT it ABSOLUTELY DOES NOT mean they love you less.

So I'm going to write that list. So when you or someone can't be there, they know how to say it to us sensitive/ anxiety prone folks ;)

PSA. Only say things that you mean. Period.

1. Be bossy. Often times, when I'm panicking, I cannot make logical and productive decisions on how to help myself, thus, telling your person that you'll be back, BUT in the mean time they should... (read a specific book, listen to a specific album, write a story for you to read, write a letter to themselves or someone else, watch a specific movie or tv show...etc) Be specific, be bossy, check back at some point when you can.

2. Tell them what you're up to. Personally, I love feeling like I'm a part of my people's lives, and even if I'm not doing so hot and they can't be there, them wanting to tell me why not makes me feel like it isn't my fault, a thought that most likely would not have ever popped into my head otherwise.

3. Tell them how much you care about them. They know you have a life, and they don't want to get in the way of that, and even if you can't talk or help them through something, an affectionate word portrays the fact that you do care, even when you cant take the time to actively show that.

4. Ask them to do something for you. Don't forget that they can be caring people as well, and that might even snap them out of their funk.

5. Send them a funny picture/video. If you can't take the time to be there for them physically, a funny video/picture can show them that you want them to be happy and that you do care, and that you thought of them.


Honestly, there are many simple ways to show someone that you care about them even if you don't have to the time to be there for them at the moment.

The bottom line is that we all have needs and sometimes our people's needs will clash with ours, and that's ok. We all just need to remember to be caring and compassionate and there when we can be, because we all have needs, and we all have struggles. 

receive.

a gift of reception
a gift of love

no gift too small
that takes up space in your heart

the reckless anxiety
the wild thoughts of doubt

when tiny whispers preach
your debilitating inability

to receive
that gift

so small for those to give
so minuscule to think in time
so much of a pleasure for them

so much of a torment for you
the unworthy
the fearful
the tired

yet the needy
the loved by unworthy
the receivers of gifts
from a heart as clouded

the joyful
the not-so-fixed
yet the trying
because the equal

the trying
on the love
the road to trying
paved with gifts

Unfair

I struggle daily with the fact that it isn't fair.

Yes, I said fact.

It isn't fair that I get panic attacks, and it isn't fair that I have depression, and it isn't fair that sometimes these things keep me from living. It isn't fair that sometimes these things keep me from wanting to live.

None of that is fair.

It isn't fair for me, and it isn't fair for you.

But, and now I'm going to say something that is going to make you hate me a tad,

LIFE IS NOT FAIR.

And now for the kicker,

Yet, even when it doesn't seem fair, it can seem worth it. 

I know that sounds crazy, but bear with me.

Obviously these things we have to deal with aren't fair. No matter if it's anxiety, depression, or something completely different.
And all of that stinks.

But one moment will come along and you'll see that you have these unfair life afflictions for a reason.

I think even one of my reasons is to write this blog, because even if I don't write one helpful coping word but I show one person that they aren't alone, it is worth it.

The 'worth it' moments don't make it fair, or make it even seem fair, but sometimes they go around all of those feeling and hit straight to your core and make you say, "ah, this is why I have this specific piece of unfair."

Why (not)?

Why me?

Why, after being in theater my whole life; after being the most outgoing social butterfly -kid; after insisting that silver platform halloween heels were acceptable to wear to kindergarten; after loving life for all that it was; why, after all of that and more, do I now have trouble speaking. 

Why do I sometimes not want to leave my room for a whole day.

Why do I hate standing out in front of people.

Why do I dread life, for all that it is.

Why now?

Why, after just beginning to live; after starting to see relationships and people for what they truly are; after finding freedom; after just seeing who I want to be, do I fear all of that.

Why now, do I dread relationships.

Why do I crawl away from my freedom.

Why do I tremble at the knowledge of getting to be who I want to be.

Why this?

Why does the girl who was never afraid of anything suddenly fear everything.

Maybe you're reading through this and starting to feel a flame rise up in your gut. A bit of anger towards these words because you relate so much to all of this, and you hate these questions. 

Because you cant answer any of the why's.

But I can. 

Because of why the hell not. 

Lets see if I can expound upon that. I may be wrong for someone, and I won't ever claim to be right for everyone.

So, MAYBE...

Because of why you thought it wasn't ever going to be you, it now is. 

Because of why you would've hated for it to be now, here it is.

Because of why you never would have expected it to be fear, it is. 

It is me because I never thought it would be. It is now because I cannot do anything on my own, and I shouldn't do everything on my own. It is anxiety because I lived my life believing nothing could hurt me if I didn't let it, especially not my own self. 

Now, I don't know what kind of God or karma or whatever you believe in, but I believe in Jesus, and my whys all come from Him. 

Meaning; It is me because was acting as God. 

It is now because I was taking on life being too independent.

It is anxiety because I thought I could rationalize any thought and control what got to me.

For me, I believe that all of my anxiety, plus my depression came about because I was too comfortable believing I was in control of things that were never in my control. 

I was too comfortable believing I could handle anything life threw at me all by myself. 

My mental illness's show me that I can't.

My life is filled with hardships. None that I can handle alone, and none that I should have to. Unfortunately, it took crippling anxiety and depression to show me that. 

But fortunately, I was shown.

 

Intro

I am Grace.
I am clumsy.
I am artsy.
I am anxiety.
I am introverted.
I am Jesus-lover.
I am stubborn.
I am depression.
I am thoughtful.
I am apologetic.
I am weird.
I am passionate.
I am caring.
I am sensitive.
I am trying.

All of these things and more are words used to describe me, but two of them shouldn't be.
I am Grace.
I HAVE anxiety.
I HAVE depression.
It's so easy to pause when you see those words. To say that they are all you are, or all someone else is, because it changes how you treat them. Because it makes you see them differently.
But in all honesty, don't all descriptive words change the picture in your head?
I could tell you I often wear fedoras and your picture of me would most likely now include a fabulous fedora.

But then again, those two words mean a tad more than a fashion item.

There is a lot weight carried in those words, a lot of subtext, stress, and meaning. 

The problem is, many people just think of the words, and not the human.

I have severe anxiety and severe depression. Those words don't carry the weight.
I do. 

I carry the sadness, the exhaustion, the pain of constant conflict between worrying about everything and not caring about anything. 

The words that mean so much to others and what they think about the people they describe, mean only a diagnosis.

The words mean different things for ever person they affect. 

For me, the actuality of their impact on my life cannot fit in those words.
They pale in comparison to the excruciatingly confusing and fearful fog covering my brain when I have a panic attack. Or the weight of a day before me when I wake up and have no ambition. 

Those words can be used to define me, sure. 

But even more so, I describe them. As is every person separate to how the words change their life.

Define yourself. Define each word that is used to say "you."

And never let the words define you.